Why I’m Not Made Of Win
Any time I put myself in the public eye in any variety I already know I’m stumbling head-first into disaster. I seem to always face adversity, and it’s been this way ever since grade school. Back then, it used to bother me a lot. But after enough time getting used to it, I think I can handle it and I think I’ve found my work arounds for it. That having been said, I’m really proud of how far I’ve come, even in the face of adversity. Here, let me identify the top reasons why I’m not the preferable face of public fandom.
Not the Face of Cute
Even though I produce content at more frequent intervals than the other female producers on TGWTG, they have one thing I don’t – feminine sensibility. For this reason, they are far more liked than I am, and it frequently leaves me a bit jealous. But at the same time, what can I do? They have natural talents and charm that I simply wasn’t born with. I’ve tried to fake being cutesy, and it comes off being obviously fake. Take the old “Like, What?” sketch, for example. That wasn’t even passable. I can’t possibly fake it. I can’t force my voice to be less deep. I recently spoke with a Japanese friend of mine, and said that I probably wouldn’t be very popular in Japan because I’m too old. He said, “No, it probably isn’t because you’re too old. It’s probably because you’re too much like a man.” I’d agree with that. There’s a rumor floating around that perhaps you’ve heard of. Hold your hand up in front of you, backside toward your face. They say that you can determine how much testosterone you were fed in the womb by looking at the size of your ring finger. If your ring finger is longer than your index finger, you were given more testosterone as opposed to more estrogen. I must have been given quite a bit of testosterone, because my ring finger is bigger than my index finger by at least half an inch. So, to conclude, I’m not the cute face the Internet is looking for.
Apparantly I “Put On My Make-Up With A Rake”
That’s one of the many terms I’ve heard for my acne. I’m nearly 24-years-old, and my acne is still pretty severe. I haven’t been able to stop overly-producing oils since I was about twelve-years-old. This perhaps is very closely linked to me not being feminine or cute enough, but it’s not necessarily linked to me being manly. It does keep people from wanting to look at my face to begin with, though. I must admit, I hate looking at myself or watching myself as I edit my videos. I don’t know how anyone else watches me.
The Sound That Makes Dogs Hide Under Couches
This falls under not being cute, and I briefly touched upon this before. My voice isn’t particularly pleasent to listen to. At least once per video, I have someone comment on my voice and how much they hate listening to it. I can’t say I blame thm. I hate listening to myself as I edit. And I most certainly don’t ever want to re-watch old footage. It’s part of the reason why some mistakes slip into my videos, because I sooo cannot stand hearing myself over and over again. My voice is like that of a teenage boy’s, and maybe even comes out a little slow. If I haven’t pre-written something to discuss then I stumble all over my words. I’m very calculating, but if I haven’t pre-calculated my words then I end up sounding like a baffoon.
Is all of this to say I’m a man in a woman’s body? Maybe. But I’m pretty straight, and I never ever think about it this way. I’m just me.
How do I combat all of these things? By producing as much material as I posibly can, and doing it to the best of my abilities. I’m also constantly trying to improve. It took me nearly a year to figure out what direction I needed to go in. By feeling my way around, I’ve been able to figure out exactly what my audience wants to see from me, and I’m happy to say that my audience wants to see content, and not necessarily a cute girl. I’m still not perfect. I still don’t have all of the skills necessary to dominate in my one particular field. However, I have the voice, and I have the drive. And so long as I have friends and other people who want to help me, I think I can genuinely become someone that won’t necessarily be overlooked right away. It’s always been an uphill struggle, and it continues to be an uphill struggle. But I’m passionate about the things I enjoy doing, and I’ll continue to talk with the proud freedom and abilities to do so.
Thank you, to those of you who have come along with me. My flaws are numerous, even moreso than the few I’ve mentioned here. But you’ve all been of great help and inspiration to me. I’ll continue to be the best content producer I can possibly make myself.