I’m Not Worthy!
This is a topic that I’ve been thinking about for quite some time now, but it is currently fresh in my mind and is magnified by the fact that I am here at YuleCon this weekend and have experienced it even more so.
I typically think that I’m just the Average Joe who just got lucky. I often catch myself thinking that I don’t deserve the notoriety I’ve gained, and that there’s far more talented people than me out there, even solely among Channel Awesome, and it’s a total blessing that I’ve been given the opportunity to work among these individuals. Everybody is so talented, and here I am just constantly scraping for content, hoping I can develop something that’s even remotely entertaining. And for some reason, a small amount of you do indeed keep tabs on the work that I do, and despite the fact that I don’t think even I would watch my own material more than half of the time, I still greatly appreciate the fact that those of you who DO watch me do so and enjoy that. For that, I thank all of you very much.
But I mention these other great web-based producers. I know tons of other people who create Internet content, and like I said, I often feel like I just don’t measure up. But I respect all of them, and these people are all really great people, too, not just great entertainers.
So, I end up at conventions, right? And often times, other Internet-based content producers show up, are invited as guests, whatever. And I REALLY want to spend time with these people. I mean, one might think that it should just be easy. We’ve all broken into Internet production, and so we should just be able to walk up to one another and start up a conversation like that. Well, I’m afraid that, for me, it’s not that easy. I’m a lot like any other socially-inept individual in the anime/gaming community. People often intimidate me. And so, instead of striking up a conversation, I often just stand back thinking, “Man, I should talk. But I can’t. What’s wrong with me?” And so that, for me, happens when I get around other web producers. I’m so intimidated by how fun and talented each of these individuals are that when I think I’m going to walk up to them and talk to them, I clam up, pretend I haven’t even noticed them, and then I just walk on by. Not like I had anywhere else to be, I just find myself walking into a bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror and swearing under my breath.
So, take this weekend, for example, I actually finally build up the guts to just walk up to people who intimidate me just by existing. But even when I’m standing there talking to them, I’m thinking in my head, “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!? These people don’t care about you, and are probably having an internal monologue about just how much they want you to leave!” Well, if these people would rather I leave, they’re too darned cool to tell me, “Go away.” And I don’t know why. They totally should do just that. But they don’t. Sometimes I can’t tell, I sometimes think I can just feel when people didn’t necessarily want me around in the first place, I take a hint, and I take off. But admittedly, I could be way off base, just because I’m that intimidated. I could just be getting scared and running away with my tail between my legs. But I don’t know. For that reason, I wish I knew that I could expect people to tell me to go away when they want me to leave, but people are too nice sometimes.
So you can imagine my mind is blown when some people this weekend not only actually managed to remember who I was but also openly invited me to come spend time with them and continue to hang out and talk. Outwardly, I put on a relatively calm face, but inside, I’m panicking. I’m thinking, “They’re just being nice! They just haven’t told you to go away yet!” I had this opportunity to spend some extra time with at least three people I have nothing but respect for, and while I’m spending time with them, I’m just thinking, “I don’t belong. I so don’t belong among them!” I had to essentially fake my outwardly calm and happy personality. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I WAS indeed very happy and having fun. But I was sitting there in a room with other people who are massively more talented than I am at their own respective arts, and I seriously feel like some kind of leeching tagalong.
I wonder sometimes if I should consider myself a “fan” or not. I mean, I don’t think I fall under the strict category of “fan” with a lot of other producers. Sure, I enjoy their work to an extent, but I honestly don’t watch/listen to everything that everybody does, so I’m only a “fan” to a certain point. Past that, I just think these people are genuinely good people and are people whom I’d like to get to know better just on principle. They’re fun individuals, and if I can gear up my guts to just shove myself into a conversation then maybe I could be having some fun along with them. But, again, I’m terrified of leeching, or being presumed as somebody who’s looking to ride coat tails, or something along those lines. I seriously hope I haven’t given anybody that sort of impression.
I’ve seen people who don’t know me write things like, “She must have this high-and-mighty feeling. She’s minorly Internet famous and DOZENS of people watch her videos! I guarantee, the feeling that she’s getting attention has gone to her head.” Well, I can’t prove the opposite unless you come talk to me, but in personal opinion, I don’t think I’m anything like that at all. The only front I’ll occasionally put up is an extra level of confidence, and fake that I’m totally not afraid of talking to people who impress me. Other than that, I still feel like I’m the odd bird among the flock in this Internet production community.
Okay, there’s still a few hours of this convention left. I’m going to go fake some confidence for just a little while longer.